A life, celebrated

It's been a week since my Papa passed away. I think about him all the time. He is sorely missed. My Papa was the best. 

He was my father figure. He taught me how to ride a bike. He bought me my first pair of roller blades and would skate around the neighborhood with me. 

Every time he went shopping at Costco he would bring me back a gift, a book, a movie or a game. If I was lucky enough to go with him we would treat me to lunch from the cart- a polish dog with deli mustard and sauerkraut. 

He shared the things he loved with me. Classical music (I adore Vivaldi), doing puzzles (jigsaws and Wonder Word), reading. He delighted in watching the sun set. The ocean held a special place in his heart.

He made the best beef stew. It was made with love. Everything he did was with love.

He had the best sense of humor and was never afraid to be silly. 

He drove me to swim practice. And to my first job. I don’t remember what we talked about specifically, but I could tell him anything.

I miss hearing his voice. I miss seeing him smile.

Gary grew up in Essen, Germany and was the first born son to Emma and Horace. He had a younger brother, Otto. They were raised on a farm and helped in the fields. He was recruited into the German army and became a prisoner of war. After his release he traveled to Canada and then motorcycled into California. He met and married Joanne in Los Angeles in 1965. A daughter, Denise was born in 1966. He owned and operated a Bavarian Delicatessen, was a contractor to the city and could fix all the things. There is much I don’t know about my Papa but what I do know I will keep close. 

I feel like I have so much more to say about him and yet the words aren't flowing. 

   

   

My Journey to Motherhood {The Mommylogues Series}

Welcome to the introductory post of The Mommylogues Series! I am over the moon excited to get this series kicked off by sharing my personal journey to motherhood. I have never fully shared this story before on this little blog of mine and I am a little bit nervous. Isn't that silly? Sharing who I am fully is something I work on every day because (shocker) I am generally a private person. I know blogging has helped me to express myself in a way I wouldn't otherwise so I'm grateful for this opportunity, though still nervous. This is the story of my miracle babies. ***Disclaimer: this is graphic.***

In 2009, a year after getting married, Brian and I decided it was time to try and expand our family. I was giddy to say the least. I have always known I was going to be a mommy ever since I was a little girl. Many girls fantasized about their weddings and I was past that dreaming of my future babies. I had a list of names for my future daughters and though I wouldn't dream of using them now, I think it's perfectly fitting that I only had girl names picked out ;)

Now, I wasn't too concerned with a time frame on conceiving and only just started taking prenatal vitamins and tracking my ovulation, when I realized something was off. I'm not one to complain about pain as I have a high tolerance but when it involves something that intimate (to put it delicately) I just had to take notice. And I'm glad I did.

By December of 2009, I had gone to a couple of different doctors and prescribed different pills and I just wasn't feeling any better. I was sore and bloated and uncomfortable. I was finally sent to get a CT scan and it came back showing I had an enlarged cyst on my left ovary. 10 centimeters to be exact. And I was lucky it hadn't burst because that would have been a whole other story. I was shocked. And then I cried. What if we couldn't have children?! I was so past being rational; I was scared, worried and unprepared for that diagnoses. I had never relied so heavily on God's promises before and I know He kept me in the palm of His hand.

I am still amazed that that was growing inside my body and again that they took a picture of the inside of my body haha.

"2010, never again" was my motto. At the end of January I had my left tube and ovary removed in the first surgery I've ever experienced. Waking up post-surgery was a horrible experience. Being cold and disoriented is the worst combination. Brian was such a great nurse! He really took care of me the first 3 days after surgery and that just fueled my desire to add a baby to our family.

At my 6-week follow up appointment the doctor told me that I "better take birth control or I could end up pregnant" and it was quite possibly the best news I heard out of this whole ordeal. (I also want to note that this guy was a creep and thankfully retired shortly after this but sadly, he also delivered my husband and two brothers in Law, so I can't really harbor any negative feelings towards him, haha.)

May 10th 2010 will forever be a magical memory. It was the day I found out I was pregnant. Excuse me while I shed some tears. I wanted this moment of elation for as long as I could remember and it was beautiful. We told everyone our wonderful news that day. You would think we were the first people on earth to be expecting a baby by how excited everyone was! It was the easiest pregnancy, minus morning sickness the first trimester, and all of a sudden Kinsey was with us! My first miracle baby and she was perfect.

Right after Kinsey's second birthday, Baby Fever hit me hard. It was practically all I could think about and I drove Brian insane with all my chatter. In July of 2013 I was once again staring at a little (+) sign. The Wednesday after the 4th of July we shared our news with our Family.

How widdle does Kinsey look here?! She was 2.5 years old.

And then things began to unravel. I can't truly describe how I was feeling but it was out of my control and I felt unease. I was willing the days to go by faster and I had anxiety. So when the blood came I wasn't surprised but I was crushed. I was two days shy of 9 weeks and I was having a  miscarriage.

By Monday (two days later), there was massive amounts of blood and I was becoming hysterical. As I laid on the bathroom floor just bargaining with God for a reprieve I almost blacked out. I was hanging onto 10 am like it was my lifeline because that was when my Doctor would be in his office. And we barely made it. And he confirmed what I already knew, what I had seen so helplessly within the toilet bowl in the early hours that morning; there was no more baby.

And that's when things started going downhill rapidly; after the emergency DNC I passed out, there was just so much blood loss and I hadn't eaten food in more than 12 hours. And it didn't just happen once but twice. We had to stay at the doctor's office for the rest of the day for observation. Each time I came to, I was reminded I was Kinsey's mommy and that realization got me through. I feel horrible for Brian witnessing all of this but once again he proved himself of being my other half through sickness and in health.

I went through a funk after my miscarriage but as are His ways, God imprinted on my heart Jeremiah 29:11- 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." NIV

And the promise I would never go through another miscarriage again and I stand on His promises every day.

And when November rolled around that year and I celebrated my 28th birthday, I was given the second (third) best gift of my life; I was pregnant. To guard our hearts, we didn't share this fabulous news until Christmas, my 12 weeks mark. If ever in my life I felt like a Mama Bear, it was during that first trimester, keeping my morning sickness in check and living life like nothing miraculous was growing inside my body. That little miracle baby is Brielana. It was almost one year to the day of knowing I was pregnant with our Angel baby to giving birth to Brielana and I am always struck with the innate knowledge of it always being Brielana that I was supposed to hold in my arms. That is a heady thing. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't in some way think about that precious baby but I know there is no one more qualified to take care of my baby than Jesus Himself. So for now I am comforted until that day we meet again.

Newborn selfie

If we decide to add another child to our family I know it will be another miracle story to be written in our book. I never think of my journey to motherhood as hard or complicated because it is mine and it's all I know, but I do think of it as empowering. 

Thank you for letting me share my journey. It was tear-filled but cathartic. I hope it brings forth good. I know I feel better for it! And thanks to my wonderful blogging buddies for wanting to share their stories for The Mommylogues Series! I am full until August and will reopen sign ups until closer to summer. Thanks friends!

 

A letter to our Angel

My silence has a purpose.  I took the time to heal: my body, my heart, my soul.  But now I feel like sharing.  And for that I thank God.  And my husband.  And my daughter.  I pray for strength, endurance, acceptance, understanding.  And I know that God gives to those who ask.  Amen.

{"I love you forever, my baby you'll be."}